Update

There is so much I want to say but my brain is swirling with it all I don't know what to spit out first! Over the last few months there has been so much, some ups, a lot of downs and some Meh to be accounted for. For the 45495847th time I am losing weight again. I made it back up to 190 lbs and got scared and went HELLO. I actually saw 300 Lbs once when I was at the doctors too ...Oh boy... Over the years I've had a lot of mental issues and things that would and could affect me emotionally that I have kind of pushed off to the side (After all I grew up in a home where showing emotion was bad...well for me to show it was anyway because I was always the one that had the "silly" things to worry about.....Oh and stress/emotional eating was acceptable and even encouraged); I've finally gotten into counseling for that and my BF is even coming with me every other week so we can work on our relationship too.

As of this morning my weight was down about 10 lbs to 280 but I won't be changing the ticker above until wednesday which is my weigh in day. About 2 weeks ago my boyfriend and I started Metabolic Research Center( MRC) which is a weight loss center like Weight watcher or jenny craig; You go and get weighed, you have your consultation and then you choose a program length to start on; the lengths vary by how much you want to lose,etc. The program uses a ketogenic approach like Atkins and south beach do/ Ketosis for those of you who don't know is when you eat very low carb (Usually 50 NET carbs or less) and force your body to start breaking down stored fat for energy. In theory it is a great idea, but the meal times just wont work for me. The program relies heavily and I mean HEAVILY on their proteins shakes and supplements, the amount of protein they had me eating a day was making me sick like SICK SICK. When I switched back to HIGH fat and LOW carbs I discovered that taking my carbs down below about 20% of my calories makes me sick too MEH. So no ketosis for me :\. Hopefully I will still be able to get this weight off relatively fast with a low-ER carb diet of 20% carbs. My carbs usually stay below 100 with about 60-70 net so it would be what is considered a non ketogenic low carb diet.

Unfortunately I have been SICK for the last month and in the last week or so I have realized that it is actually my hormones that are out of balance making me sick...I know this because I have missed 2 cycles and NO I am not pregnant..At least according to the tests the doctor did I'm not pregnant. I am also having BAD mood swings, like getting PISSED because my boyfriend said "Garlic bread?" that is not a normal thing to get pissed over. From pissed I went to emotional, whiny and wanting to cry in 10 seconds flat. >.< So not fun.

On some of the message boards on FB I am in about PCOS I notice a lot that there are women and girls who are newly diagnosed or are parents of girls who are newly diagnosed and have ZERO clue where to start because the doctors haven't told them ANYTHING. So here and now I want to say this so everyone knows. I don't care what the doctor does or does not want to put you on, unless you want to use birth control for its intended use...Controlling birth, do not let them put you on it for a PCOS treatment, it can mask symptoms instead of helping the underlying cause.  The first and foremost treatment for PCOS should always be DIET. whether you want to be vegetarian, vegan, paleo, atkins, or whatever. Always try for a log GI diet. You can google low GI to get the full school and a list of foods GI loads. The other thing is to try to stay away from food additives and almost always shop the perimeter of the store (Only venture in for tortillas and frozen veggies, and even though the bakery and deli are in the perimeter...skip those too). PCOS is an estrogen dominant endocrine disorder meaning we have too much estrogen in our bodies most of the time, this is why most with PCOS say to stay away from soy..because it has plant estrogen in it..the thing that most people don't think about is that all plants fruits, veggies, grains, they all have plant estrogen, just at different levels so on the soy front......Try to limit it.


My brain has so much more it wants to say but it won't un-jumble it so for now I will leave you with a link I found on the PCOS herbalists FB page that I found interesting; it is an article about food additives....Enjoy!



http://wallstcheatsheet.com/stocks/feeding-frenzy-5-harmful-fda-approved-food-additives.html/?a=viewall

Life Happens

Life happens. my life happened very stress fully and all at once over the last 6 weeks sadly. on may 22nd, the day we were set to move into our new house I ended up totaling our truck which means we are down to one vehicle and we live pretty much in BFE. The closest grocery store is in the next town over and we have about 3000 people in our little town. I know, small. Sadly the tuck was totalled at the END of the school term which left me unable to go do school because of pain and lack of transportation. This with added stress of finals was just amazing :\. Shortly after that I inadvertently discovered that I have a sensitivity to either gluten and/or wheat and most dairy. Sigh. And if all of that wasn't enough I have gained back almost everything I have lost over the last 2-3 years SOOOOO as of this week I am MOSTLY dairy free and gluten free. this will be interesting; very interesting indeed. and yes I am posting this at 12:30 am because i have insomnia YAY. I guess I don't get anymore naps in during the day Sigh. anyway, going to try to log off here and read or something to make me sleep, just thought I would drop a note since I have been MIA...again.

Not on a great path...

7:49-Last night i was literally starving, had a MASSIVE headache and couldn't think straight. I thought about it for HOURS but still made the decision to go to shari's. i hurt so bad i wanted to cry them proceeded to devour 2000 calories in one meal even though i had already closed my diary. Meds usually dont work*sadface*. I am reeeaaalllyyy going to try my damndest to be better today. I NEED this weight off. Sigh. Going to have matt stop at starbucks for me so i can get a venti light mocha frappe for 190 cals. I need something :/ anyway. Time to get up, gotta get the dog to the groomer.

The Project

Things have happened I have lost and gained and lost a tiny and gained this year. In January I managed to lose 30 lbs but started gaining it all back in feb. In march I lost 10 lbs again but gained it back and as of a week and a half ago ish I was back to 275. I know I SHOULD weigh myself today to get a "starting " weight but I don't feel like seeing 285 or even 295 on the scale which considering how I have been eating, I probably would. The program works like this. You take a baseline and see how you eat, when and Why. Then you take steps to change that and dig in to the reasons you WANT to relapse when you do. When I feel like going "oh fuck it" I am going to try and come here whether on mobile, or the computer and talk about/get out why I feel this way. At the end of the project I will have graphs and charts about my progress and how far I have come. We will see if it works and I am crossing my fingers it does. As much as it might hurt some people I am going to be as candid as I can be. If I keep things bottled up then I fear I will go back to eating again and I need to get this weight off once and for all. Not just so I can have kids and be pretty, etc, but also so  I can control my PCOS which is what this blog is about.

Part of this slump I have been in for a long while includes not taking my pills and vitamins, not walking, driving a lot more, stress eating, eating out of boredom and so much more. I hope to change that in the coming days and weeks if not for my health maybe for the sheer fact that in a few weeks it will be hella expensive to go get fast food since we will be moving and I will need to drive to the next town over for fast food. Let's start this right now.

10:45 AM- I know I should eat food and I am a little hungry but not a lot. I honestly don't feel like eating:\. I have had some water which I shouldn't have done because I haven't weighed myself for this project yet. I am so scared to weigh it isn't even funny I want to start crying just sitting here typing this. I just have this inkling that if I step on the scale it will be like 290 or even 300. Not numbers I EVER want to see. I want my wardrobe of clothes back, I want to throw them out and buy new ones, I want to be able to go shopping with a set of friends of mine if they end up visiting in November like they want to. I guess maybe this is why I eat, the more I eat the more I don't have to face things. Well I better go weigh and face the music.

Yep I didn't want to do that. Right back to where I was at the end of December. 288. Not and I hate it, no wonder my clothes don't fit anymore and tmi but..No wonder sex was a little difficult the other day. Ugh. Time to change NOW.

11:49- after adding up what we spent on eating out the last 2 weeks and seeing my weight this am. I want to throw up, cry and stress eat >.< i don't get how i can just not care. Sigh. This has to change or my mother will weigh less than i do!!

1:42-I had lunch. Didn't eat anything for breakfast because I wasn't hungry. I was EXTREMELY hungry though and matt wanted food so I decided to Make lunch about 1 pm. I made a pepperoni pizza for myself on flatbread. The whole pizza was 430 calories (I think that's a little high cause I dont think the pepperoni was 200 cals alone ) and being as thats all I have eaten today I'm ok with that. I'm no longer hungry but I am not EXTREMELY full either, in fact now I am craving :\ (Probably because this was actually healthy....my body is uses to junk again...Go figure...). I definately think that pizza had a lot of sodium because I am feeling it ugh. i'm on my second bottle of water so hopefully the feeling goes away. I think that i haven't been taking my vitamins because they have been making me sick later so I am going to try taking them at night instead...See how that goes. I forgot to take my metformin too OOPS!! Best do that!

7:15- in class and tiiiirreedd and bored bleh. Feeling something which i think is thirst but idk, i wanna reach for a cookie waaahh. I think i'm just bored in general meh :/

Weird NSV but NSV!

Today has been an interesting day and it DEFINATELY started out lazily but picked up. I took my boyfriend to work and then went to pick up my pup's dog food. After that was the interesting part. I had breakfast at about 10-10:30 and arrived at costco at probably 2ish with not having eaten between the two.

I went around the store and I was getting hungry :\ I didn't want to eat the sodium and carb filled foods from their snack bar through and I knew if I had even one thing that I would cave and have more (choco frozen yogurt YUMM!!!!) so I skipped that. I ALSO skipped ALL the samples, costco is NOTORIOUS for having samples and I had ZERO of them, some looked REALLY good too but not a one sample hit my lips or my hips :D

After that I was in the snack aisle looking for something healthy that I could eat sparingly, meaning I knew it wouldn't be a trigger food for me down the line once my motivation starts to waver. I was standing there holding almond thins and ginger thins debating between the two which was "healthier" and guess what? I didn't get EITHER OF THEM. that's right I put them both back and got the fruit leather which I KNEW I wouldn't binge on :D (even if I do, they are a LOT healthier and a LOT less calories). Yep THIS GIRL resisted temptation even when hungry after not having eaten lunch yet! OOT OOT.

It's been a long road since I have started this blog, I've lost, I've gained. Heck, I have even stayed the same. Since seeing my nutritionist I gained about 40 Lbs and have managed to get 10 ish off. I hear from others with PCOS that this has happened to them too. I can't believe I made the mistake of changing what I knew works and attempting something else. If it isn't broken, Don't fix it! after a long time of denying the gain and pigging out I am back and ready to get this off NOW. I don't want it off 3 years from now or to gain another 40 lbs and be back where I started. I am battling my weight for my health and my future and I WON'T lose. My weight won this battle, but it hasn't won the war and it won't. I've been doing "OK". The first few days I was definately over on my calories but ate relatively healthy and got most of my water in so I am ok with that. Since then I have been right around where I need to be, only a few calories over if any (Less than 50 over) which is where I want to be.

Classes start again on monday so I will need to figure out how to combat boredom while in school. Boredom is one of the things that makes me want to eat sadly :\ I think being in class in general is bad for me, I usually feel odd if I am not eating while in class I don't know why.

Anyway, I need to get this 30 lbs off and then the 45 after that. I can't be fat forever, I need the weight gone now. what sucks the most? None of my pants fit me PERIOD. I can't wear them, they are all to small :\. I am stuck in sweats, pajama pants and dresses/skirts in the middle of winter *cries* Even worse, I went to go bridesmaid dress and winter coat shopping last week OMG. I wanted to cry in the stores. LOVED the first dress we chose but..It didn't come in the size I needed and It was too tight in the size I tried on >.<. The coats? well couldn't get one of those either, nothing fit and I KNOW if I hadn't gained the weight I could have found something. Sigh.

Anyway that is all for now, I know I always say it but I am going to try to keep up here, this helped me before when I was losing weight so we will see.

Pig out day.

Today was a major pig out day. And you know what? I don't feel guilty. I ate more than I should have, I ate a lil past full, not a ton, but enough that I could defo feel I was full. I have way too many sweets and Not enough veggies but you know what? I'm ok with that. I will eventualy even out and I wasn't Overstuffed. I kept myself in check. I'm getting better at having just one serving of something, that doesn't mean I don't go back for a second serving later, but it does mean I portion it out and wait to see how satisfied I am. Not much else happening today. I forgot to go to the gym again tonight :\ Oh well.


Food Summary:
Breakfast @ 8:Fred meyer sub samwich, 1 powdered donut, 1 choco donut and 1 bismark donut
Snack@ 10: Choco mint ice cream
Snack @ 11:30: Small wildberry chocolate shake
Dinner@ 4: 2 powdered donuts, 1 choco donut and sushi