It's been a long road since I have started this blog, I've lost, I've gained. Heck, I have even stayed the same. Since seeing my nutritionist I gained about 40 Lbs and have managed to get 10 ish off. I hear from others with PCOS that this has happened to them too. I can't believe I made the mistake of changing what I knew works and attempting something else. If it isn't broken, Don't fix it! after a long time of denying the gain and pigging out I am back and ready to get this off NOW. I don't want it off 3 years from now or to gain another 40 lbs and be back where I started. I am battling my weight for my health and my future and I WON'T lose. My weight won this battle, but it hasn't won the war and it won't. I've been doing "OK". The first few days I was definately over on my calories but ate relatively healthy and got most of my water in so I am ok with that. Since then I have been right around where I need to be, only a few calories over if any (Less than 50 over) which is where I want to be.

Classes start again on monday so I will need to figure out how to combat boredom while in school. Boredom is one of the things that makes me want to eat sadly :\ I think being in class in general is bad for me, I usually feel odd if I am not eating while in class I don't know why.

Anyway, I need to get this 30 lbs off and then the 45 after that. I can't be fat forever, I need the weight gone now. what sucks the most? None of my pants fit me PERIOD. I can't wear them, they are all to small :\. I am stuck in sweats, pajama pants and dresses/skirts in the middle of winter *cries* Even worse, I went to go bridesmaid dress and winter coat shopping last week OMG. I wanted to cry in the stores. LOVED the first dress we chose but..It didn't come in the size I needed and It was too tight in the size I tried on >.<. The coats? well couldn't get one of those either, nothing fit and I KNOW if I hadn't gained the weight I could have found something. Sigh.

Anyway that is all for now, I know I always say it but I am going to try to keep up here, this helped me before when I was losing weight so we will see.

Pig out day.

Today was a major pig out day. And you know what? I don't feel guilty. I ate more than I should have, I ate a lil past full, not a ton, but enough that I could defo feel I was full. I have way too many sweets and Not enough veggies but you know what? I'm ok with that. I will eventualy even out and I wasn't Overstuffed. I kept myself in check. I'm getting better at having just one serving of something, that doesn't mean I don't go back for a second serving later, but it does mean I portion it out and wait to see how satisfied I am. Not much else happening today. I forgot to go to the gym again tonight :\ Oh well.


Food Summary:
Breakfast @ 8:Fred meyer sub samwich, 1 powdered donut, 1 choco donut and 1 bismark donut
Snack@ 10: Choco mint ice cream
Snack @ 11:30: Small wildberry chocolate shake
Dinner@ 4: 2 powdered donuts, 1 choco donut and sushi

Exhausting day.

 Today I went to my moms and took that book I have been forgetting to give her for ages. Got the vitamins I needed too ,etc. It's been an interesting and exhausting day. I spent like 3 hrs talking to her about her PTSD and what she needs to do to heal. Going out to my moms is always exhausting but she does need the help so eh.   I got her thinking about getting a therapy dog and maybe some inpatient therapy for PTSD. I really do want her to heal and am happy to be there for her but I need her to try as well and not rationalize/defend everything. Only time will tell.I did manager to find a few really cute things that I can wear to my new job though. I'm really kind of excited to start :D.

Today was a not so healthy Food day, but I'm ok with that. I also skipped the gym today :\ It totally slipped my mind this AM, I will go back tomorrow though.

Food Summary:
Breakfast @8:30: 2 Mcdonald's sausage wraps and a hashbrown plus a med choc shake.
Lunch@ 10: Bacon cheeseburger from Burger king and a small 12oz choc shake.
Snack (throughout day): Half an almond snickers, 1 dark chocolate milkyway and Half a bag of M&M's mint.
Dinner @ 5: 20 Pc chicken nuggets, 2 Plain Mcdoubles and a very small piece of cream cheese brownie

Exercise: None

Making progress

So far today is a pretty ok day. I ate "junk" or play food this morning and im extremely ok with that. Before my run I had 1 powdered donut and 1 chocolate donut then came back and had another powdered one with my pills. I then was going to have a piece of cheesecake brownie but after having a little nibble I scraped off the pan I decided it was too rich/ sweet right now and didn't eat it. I know I can have it later. I did just buy some salad rolls, veggie chips and a bottle of water for lunch so I will have that during class for lunch. I might get a double cheeseburger or something as a snack after I take matt to work IF I am hungry. I know I for sure do t want fast food for dinner. Not sure what I'll have but I'll figure that out later. Right now I have class, I'll update on everything else in a bit;).

I had an interview at the payless in Tigard today and I REALLY like the manager and the atmosphere, She had an amazing attitude and really made me excited to work there. It sounds like its a very fast paced but laid back atmosphere.  I want to work there :D

Other than that today is a lazy day. I am curled up in jammies on the couch with brownies. Yep, I am eating brownies YUM! And you know what? I don't feel guilty at all :P

Edit: I just found out I got the job at payless I am soo excited :DDD YAYY!! omg I want to cry! 

Food summary
Breakfast@8: 1 powdered donut, 1 chocolate donut
Snack@9:30: 1 powdered donut.
Lunch@11:30: 2 salad rolls and veggie chips
Snack:@ 1:Hot chocolate
Snack@ 4: Cream cheese brownies

Testing day

Today was a very very interesting day. I definitely feel like I am making progress with my eating, I am having more times that I feel full or satisfied rather than feeling overfull or out of control. I still have days where I think "how many calories is this?"  or wonder how many calories I have actually eaten in a that day but I tell myself that whatever the number it's ok. Slowly but surely. Still have a few times where I am unsure whether I am hungry or not I have decided that when those times arise it is best to have something light and small then decide if I want more after that.

I did learning disability testing and am SOOOOO exhausted now. I was making pictures, drawing things, putting blocks together, doing math, clicking buttons, picking out pictures etc, etc. Soooooo tired. I still need to do the kitchen and I will but I think I need to just lay here and decompress for a little bit first. Maybe read my book or something.

I did get a call from 2 different payless store for interviews, one of them is tomorrow at 2:30 and one is for sunday. I really home I get the job. I kind of do want to work. I like staying home and I know I need to be here for teddy, but I want something to do to, to help in some way even if it means we save my paychecks for when matt goes back to school or when we buy the house, whatever it is.

Anyway, Ill update more later. I am exhausted.
Later.

Food summary
Snack@ 7:15: small sliver (seriously a sliver) of pumpkin bar
Breakfast@8:50: honey nut chex and light vanilla soymilk
Snack @10: handful of almonds
Snack@ 11: plain double cheeseburger
Lunch@1: salad w/ romaine, bacon pieces, feta and spray ranch, part of leftover chicken breast, little bit of rice and a lightly sweetened taxi black tea
Snack @ 4:00: 1/2 cup ice cream
Dinner @ 5:00: Spaghetti squash with spaghetti sauce and sausage, mixed veggies (snap peas, broccoli, carrots) and garlic bread
Dessert @7:00 2 brownies, 1 powdered donut, 1 chocolate donut

Exercise: 5 mins warmup (run/walk) 20 mins weights, 5 mins stretch

My Peacemaking endeavor with food begins

I am sure that title confuses you a little bit and it should. About 2 weeks ago I wrote about My trip to the dietician and our journey to make me get back to basics and honor my hunger instead of my "diet" Eat when I am hungry, don't when I am not. This has proved to be a little bit more of a struggle than I had anticipated and I have been using myfitnesspal to continue my food logging through this so far. Lat night however I came to a realization that my nutritionist is right, I don't need to pay attention to calories or nutrients right now, Right now I need to go through the process of becoming in tuned with my hunger responses and focusing on my journey to healthy eating. This is what I will use you and my blog to do. Once again I will use this as my tool to being a healthier me. It worked in the past and I hope it will work again. Starting today I will use this as my daily journal outlining everything I eat and all INTENDED exercise I do. I can't guarantee I will exercise every day, Heck knowing me I probably won't but the way I am looking at it is right now every little bit helps on my journey to become an intuitive eater and a healthier person. I don't want to be someone who looks and worries about calories or grams of fat, carbs or protein grams in every little think I eat. I want to have that cookie, or ice cream and know that it is ok, that I can have just one serving and not feel like I need to eat the whole thing. I want to be a balanced satisfied happy person.

Having typed that my stomach was growling and my hunger I THINK was about a 3 on the intuitive eating scale. I'm not sure. I find rating things hard to do :\ I warmed up 2 bread sticks and 2 pieces of pizza. One sausage and one pepperoni. The bread sticks were soggy and not to appealing, I definitely think I like them fresh or cold better. I didn't eat more than half of one. The pizza too was soggy which I didn't like again I think I like it better fresh or cold. I did eat that because it tasted a bit better though. I did take a second after each bite to assess how I was feeling and I am not sure if I am full or not so if I need to I will eat again in a few mins or a half an hour, etc. I think I am full but I'm not sure, it isn't a feeling where I'm FULL or over filled, It's kind of a not hungry/not full feeling I can't tell either way. When I ended I think I was about a 5 my pants are a little tight so I am not sure if my fullness is from the pants or from being full. Again if I am hungry in a few mins or a few hours I will eat.

Now let's back track a bit. I do feel a need to mention last night I ordered the pizza because I was EXHAUSTED I had 1 piece of each type of pizza, 2 bread sticks and 2 pizza rollers. I then had a piece of pumpkin bar I made earlier. I THOUGHT that I had eaten till full, Not overfull, not stuffed just full. However, 5 hours later at midnight while laying in bed I still felt full. Like full full. This morning I woke up at 7:30 and I wasn't hungry either. It was odd. Normally I wake up hungry. Instead I sat and read the book my nutritionist is having me read called eating intuitively by Evelyn Trioble and Elyse Resch. It is actually a quite interesting read and I can see why it works for many people. I am not sure how I feel about it, it makes sense so far and maybe even doable for me, but then again eat to live made sense too and I know I can't live by that so we shall see. After reading for a bit I really just felt like running, My mind sat wondering am I hungry? and the answer kept coming back as no but did keep going to running. So I went running, I did c25k day 1. My PLAN is to do some yoga on my wii fit tonight and a little bit of weights tomorrow, whether that will happen or not, Who knows but I can always plan can't I ? :D

I did have a snack in class of a power at I know I was slightly hungry but definitely wasn't at a 3. I don't know if I had it more out of routine, boredom or hunger. Oh well, can't be perfect all the time right?

After my mid day snack I did have another snack a little bit later that was just one piece of pizza and I guess kind of tied in to my lunch. Again I wasn't sure if I was truely hungry or not but I wasn't completely not hungry either and I was thinking and thinking about it so I had it :D Then A little later I was actually hungry hungry so I had half a piece of pizza (i realized I didn't really like left over pepparoni pizza from pizza hut so I didn't eat the rest of the slice) 1 pizza roller and a slice of pumpkin bar.

Then my cramps kicked in BAAADDLLYYYY The good thing about being 70 lbs lighter than I was and being on the metformin and vitamins is that my cycles are more regular I usually don't skip a month of a period, my cycles might be longer or shorter, but I pretty much have one once a month. Problem? Cramps SUUCCKKKK they hurt like a MOFO. even so I knew I wanted my house pretty much clean so I did the kitchen (deep clean including reclaiming my fridge from dripped raw meat juices) and the bathroom too. Now I can actually cook tonight which is what I am doing now. :D Im making cilantro and lime chicken with some salsa on top, brown rice with a little teriyaki sauce (Kind of like fried rice) and a salad YUM!
To recap for today I have eaten:
Breakfast @9:30 :1 piece of pepperoni pizza, 1 piece of Sausage Pizza and 1/2 of a bread stick.
Snack @11:30: chocolate crunch powerbar
snack2@1:30: piece of sausage pizza
Lunch @ 2:15: Half a piece of pepperoni pizza,  1 pizza roller and 1 piece of pumpkin bar
Dinner@ 7: lime cilantro chicken, fried rice, salad w/ bacon pieces, feta and spray ranch
Dessert@9: 1/2 cup carrot cake ice cream
Snack@ 10: 8 strawberries, extra small banana

Update time!

I've been meaning to update you all for a while but I have been SOOO busy. School is starting and my health insurance is back so I actually get to see the doctors I am supposed to be seeing YAY! Oh and I passed My driving test! I am officially a licensed driver OOT OOT! Which is amazing cause it means I can take myself to doctors appts OOOT!

So let's back up and talk about what the doctors have said so far. As of yesterday my weight is 245.6 lbs. Which yes, is still 10 lbs higher than my lowest weight :\. I'm kind of bummed about that but after talking to my dietician yesterday I realize that that is ok, I need to focus on making myself healthy and the weight loss will come so I will try my best to play by her rules and see how this goes for me. I did see my new PCP yesterday as well, he was really nice and OH MY GOD HE KNEW WHAT PCOS WAS! It was amazing, 3 or 4 years ago I had to spend about 20 minutes explaining to my doctors about PCOS and what it was as well as what typical treatments for PCOS are. I felt sooooo relived.

When I went in we talked about what the first line of defense usually is and what he wants to see me on eventually. I did tell him that I have a dermatologist appt for the next day and an endocrinologist appt for a month away. He acknowledged that was good and prescribed the metformin for me but decided to hold off on the spirolactone and birth control until I saw my endo and dermatologist.  He of course took my labs and all of that I should have those results in by the end of this week, I am kind of interested to see what they say or said, I want to know how all my work I've done has effected my levels.

After the PCP was the dietician and like I said she wants me to focus on my relationship with food and eating to be healthy before I zero in on the weight loss. She brought up a lot of valid points about my relationship with food that I already knew but wasn't exactly ready to face. Needless to say it ended up being a really emotional appointment, I almost cried a few times. Blarg.

After my appt with my dietician we had to race to target to get my RX and get some food so I could take it and get my dosage started. THEN was my driving test. oh my god! I was soooo nervous, the extra waiting time didn't help either. The guy that was supposed to check me in was on lunch and his replacement was busy doing something for 4 people from another country at once *facepalm*. I finally got up there and after 20 mins of waiting they told me I had to fill out a form...Like reallly??? So now I had to get out of line and fill a form out and get back in line (By this point I was getting faint) Then we get that all set up and my cousin and I move the car to the side of the building, the tester gets in the car and looks at the registration. what next? It's expired *facepalm again* Don't get me wrong mistakes happen its perfectly fine and we got it fixed by getting a trip permit, My cousin felt bad cause he knew it was adding to my nerves; but I was honestly ok with it I was just worried I wasn't going to be able to test because it takes 4 weeks to reschedule. I get out on the road, we go around town come back and I was SURE I failed and what did the tester say? I PASSED WITH 90%!!! omg I wanted to break down and cry I was sooo happy!

We finally got my pic taken, I got my interim license and I drove home. In my haste to leave the house though I forgot my keys IN THE HOUSE oi. Thankfully my apartment manager had them so I was able to get back in to my puppy :D After I got home I foot the puppy and myself out to the grove to see family and friends and show off the truck HEHE. I had a pretty ok day overall yesterday.

This morning though I had to get up at 6:30....SIX FREAKIN THIRTY to see the dermatologist....thankfully the BF didn't have to get up with me cause guess what? I can drive myself!!! HEHEHEHE. the dermatologist says that I have folliculitis which is basically inflamed follicles on top of the PCOS issues so she prescribed a topical treatment and antibiotic to me for now, I will be switching to spirolactone in 2 weeks though, that is ultimately something I wanted to do so that is perfectly fine. Overall it means that I need to get on birth control so that I don't get pregnant though because it's REALLY important I don't accidentally get pregnant while on these meds.

Right now I am just waiting for the call from the pharmacy to find out if we need a different RX, since the topical that the dermatologist prescribed could end up being a little pricey....I am not willing to spend a ton on it I know that is sad, but it is the truth :\.

OOh and as I am typing this the doc called back with my labs from yesterday, everything is normal YAY, from the metabolic standpoint anyway now I am just waiting to find out if I need to do a fasting panel or not.  The nurse isn't sure yet so she is going to talk to the doctor and get back to me. Right now it is looking like losing the weight I have lost and taking the supplements I do take have brought my labs back to normal OOOT OOT!

Right, I am gonna head out and do some stuff for now but I will be bak to update this more often I promise!